Christmas

Christmas is different for so many people. For most it probably involves spending it with your family. I have found in recent years, that although I spend time with my family and I love spending time with them, I also have a sense of immense loneliness. I am a single thirty something year old. I have spent many years living on my own (which I love!) but as a single person I don't know if that is the reason for my loneliness. I also have moved further away from a lot of my friends and family so that could be it. I don't think these are the reasons though or it could be a combination.

A few years ago, in an old job I had I got signed off from work due to anxiety and it was around christmas and new year. I was meant to work over christmas and new and had had a bit of a stressful last twelve months. I had split up from my fiance and had moved back home with my parents, work filled me with anxiety as well and the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I wasn't given any medication but I was signed off work for a couple of weeks. The doctor said that the things that had happened were big things and were likely to affect me. I think sometimes those thoughts still come back at this time of year. I am a massive overthinker and I know I get affected by the lack of sunshine.

I read somewhere that people can still feel lonely despite being surrounded by people. I come from a big family, my brother and sister are both married and have children of their own. I love them all dearly but I think it is at this time of year that I start to think of me being on my own. I don't think of it as much the rest of the year or I can go outside and change my thoughts. I am actually pretty happy on my own. This year, I have been ill for the past 3 weeks with a cold and I had another cold at the end of October this year so I have been feeling like I am constantly ill which doesn't help. I have been feeling very stressed and overwhelmed with work lately and I know that hasn't helped.

I don't really talk about these things with others as I don't want to be a burden and I don't think people necessarily understand how I feel and think of it as nothing. Something that winds me endlessly is the fact that people shut down your anxious thoughts with it being 'over nothing' but this is just a lack of understanding from their end. It can't always be helped, people who have never suffered with anxiety will never understand the way your mind works and how you can spend so much time ruminating over the most ridiculous things. I say ridiculous but they never feel ridiculous at the time. Only with hindsight and some clarity do I realise how ridiculous I am being/sounding.

I know that I am not alone with these thoughts and there are so many people out there just like me. Anxiety never goes away, I think you just find new ways of coping with it. I don't have any answers although I find exercise does help to take my mind off it. I do think if you do have someone that you can talk to, whether professional or not, definitely do that. Find someone who will listen and not judge and talk openly about how you feel that's what I need to do.